Ten things you need to know about owning a black car, plus a few more


This is my ride… a 2012 Chevy Impala LTZ, with black leather interior. I call her Olive. She is one sexy bitch. And also, a very dirty girl. And not it a good way.

Thinking about getting a black car? Tempted by their dark, sleek, sexy ways? Yeah, you’ve heard they’re tough to keep clean, but how hard could it be really? Just wash it every week — pssssh. How hard is that? People are just whiners. And lazy. You think. Think AGAIN.

Here are the 10 things you need to know about owing a black car, plus a few more:

1.  There is nothing sexier than a shiny, clean black car. NOTHING.

2.  There is nothing less sexy than a dirty black car.

3.  When you go out looking for a new car, the black one will attempt to seduce you. You’ll look at that model in another color, think about being practical, but the black one will wink at you. Tip its chin. Purr, “Hey baby… I want you inside me.” Walk away NOW, or you’ll take it for a test drive.

4.  If you take a black car for a test drive, you will feel bad-ass sexier than you ever felt in your life. Your inner panther will roar. You will tingle in places you forgot you had.

5.  If you test drive the black car, you will buy it. Your only hope is not to test-drive it. Just walk away, get the blue one, and you’ll be free. But… you’ll always wonder, won’t you… driving your nice, safe blue car… what if… especially when you’re at a stoplight, and there’s a hot guy or gal next to you, and you realize, with a sigh of resignation, that blasting Led Zeppelin from a blue car just isn’t the same.

6.  If you buy a black car, you will wash it faithfully every weekend. Until a year passes and you pay the first registration fee, and your car is officially not new anymore, and then you’ll just give up. Fuck it. Be dirty then. Yeah, everyone’s staring at me in disgust because I don’t wash my car. Know what, asshole? I just washed it 45 seconds ago. If you’ve never owned a black car — don’t judge me.

7.  Every single speck of dust on a black car glows like a searchlight. Every spot looks like a zit on your forehead on prom night. You will be unable to tolerate the blemish on your sexy black car. You will wash it immediately. And…

8.  It will be dusty again before you finish drying it. A black car stays clean for only about 45 seconds. But… those are the sexiest 45 seconds you’ll ever know.

9.  A scratch on a black car means only one thing: sadness. Scratches also glow like a searchlight – from the side view.

10.  If you live in the southwest or anywhere that has hot weather above, oh, 75 degrees, you will discover that scientists who insist that the interior of a white car sitting in the sun is just as hot as a black one are wrong. Jerks. Getting inside a black car in the California sun will feel like getting inside a Weber barbecue, squirting lighter fluid on the coals and closing the lid.

11.  If you live in a hot climate and have black leather seats in your sexy black car (which you must because cloth is NEVER sexy. It doesn’t even SOUND sexy: Cloth. Cloth. Cloootttthhh. You can’t make it sexy no matter how you say it. Just try) – anyway, the point is: If you have black leather seats in your black car, and it’s summer, and you’re wearing shorts – get used to the smell of bacon frying. AND:

12.  No matter how hot it is, no matter how much you dread getting third degree burns on the back of your legs, no matter how much gas you will waste by starting the car and letting it idle with the AC on until the inside cools down to broil, you will never, not ever, no way park underneath trees where birds might perch. NEVER. Because while a black car is sexy, a black appaloosa car is not.

13.  As soon as your sexy car’s all paid off, you’ll trade it in on a white one. Blue. Green. Silver. ANYTHING but black. Because you’ll have learned that sexy is way overrated.


This is what a clean, sexy black car looks like in the showroom. This is the only place it looks like this. As soon as you buy it and drive it off the lot, it will depreciate by $10,000 and will be covered in a film of dust.






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