Hey all you Family Radio fans… You don’t REALLY believe that the Rapture is happening this Saturday. I don’t care if you worship every word that falls from Harold Camping’s lips, or you’re Harold Camping himself — in your heart of hearts, you don’t REALLY believe that come Saturday, all the Good Christians on earth are going to float up to heaven, leaving behind little piles of clothing and half-eaten bags of Funyuns wherever they stood.

And I’ll prove it.

If you absolutely, positively, unequivocally believe that Jesus is dropping by on Saturday to pick you up in the Partridge Family Radio Bus and whisk you away, and Glory Hallelujah, you’ll be singing with choirs of angels before Sunday sees sunrise, then go get your checkbook right now and write me a check for the entire balance of your checking account. While you’re at it, you might as well give me a cashier’s check for your savings balance, and hey – if your car is nicer than a 2003 Chevy Impala with a rebuilt transmission and a leaky window, toss me the car keys and the pink slip too.

Because it won’t matter, right? You SAID you believe the Rapture’s coming this Saturday. So snap to it! The countdown clock at www.familyradio.com is ticking away! There’s still enough time to get that check in the mail! (Debit cards OK, too – just be sure to include your PIN number.)

What’s this? Hesitation?

Are you thinking, “Oh heck no, I’m not sending all my money to that Left Wing Liberal Communist tree-huggin,’ whale-lovin’ hippie Pagan FemiNazi freak! I’ll send it to my kids. Just in case.”

Oh no, my God-fearing friend. It doesn’t work that way. There’s no “just in case.” You either believe in the May 21 Rapture completely and unconditionally or you don’t. If you do, then it won’t matter if you send me all your money and worldly possessions. Because you believe this, right?

No fair saying you’ll leave it to your kids, either. That’s another “just in case.” Unless, of course, your kids are also Left Wing Liberal Communist tree-huggin,’ whale-lovin’ hippie Pagan FemiNazi freaks, and you’re leaving everything to them while you get sucked up by God’s own transporter beam.

But wait.

If your kids grew up to be Left Wing Liberal Communist tree-huggin,’ whale-lovin’ hippie Pagan FemiNazi freaks, you must have missed the parental mark! Fallen short! Sinned! Oh dang. And you didn’t read that Rapture fine print, did you. No admittance to Rapture Everafter for you, pal.

Caught you on a technicality.

PTOOEY.

That’s the sound of the Angel Gabriel spitting you out like a bad cherry.

I know, it’s so mean of me to tease those Family Radio folks, and make fun of their Radical Religious Fundamentalist Agenda (you didn’t think gays are the only ones who get to have agendas, did you?), but hey, it’ll only bug them for three more days.

Unless, of course, they’re wrong.

Heh heh heh.

If I was a nicer person, I might try to talk some sense into these folks, and point out the Bible passages that refute all this Rapture nonsense and that the Bible actually warns against false prophets. Or I might note that this Camping character has pulled this scam before, and whatever they do, if they go to the Rapture party at Harold’s house on Saturday, don’t drink the Kool-Aid! But it’d be a waste of energy. Waste of ink. Not even going to TRY to convince them of their folly.

Well, not until May 22, anyway.

And besides, Goddess help me, I’m just not that nice. Not when it’s this much fun to be mean.

And for your information, I am totally copyrighting, “I went to the Rapture and all I got was this stupid T-shirt” T-shirts as of right here, right now. That belongs to me. Don’t make me send my intellectual property lawyer monkeys after you.

Poor Family Radio fools. Imagine their disappointment when they A) wake up next Sunday morning, and B) discover they’ve been left behind with the left behind. “Why have you forsaken me,” they’ll wail.

And Jesus, of course, will chuckle and say, “Oh my Dad, that’s so ironic!”

Of course, there’s the needle-in-a-universe chance they’re right. So, what do the rest of us do, wandering around amongst the piles of empty clothes dotting the sidewalks? What if you and I aren’t in the first-round Celestial draft picks? Eh, don’t sweat it too much. It really won’t be that bad. I mean, think about it. Do you really want to spend eternity with Harold Camping & Co.? That just might be my definition of Hell.

I mean, if I actually believed in Hell.

Which would necessitate a belief in the Devil. And I have no more use for him than I do for Harold Camping. A religious fundamentalist is a religious fundamentalist is a religious fundamentalist.

Religious fundamentalists.

PTOOEY.

So, come Saturday, while Harold and friends anxiously wait to get scooped up in the seraphim siphon, I’ll be enjoying my own little piece of heaven: watching my daughter graduate from college. And believe me, it wasn’t cheap. She’s got student loans to repay. So, if all you folks who are taking the evangelical escalator on Saturday would just get those checks in the mail right now, I’d really appreciate it.

And if you just can’t bring yourself to send all your money to mean ole me, you can go online to Harold Camping’s websites, WeCanKnow.com or FamilyRadio.com, and give it to them. Because both are still taking donations.

Just in case, y’know.