Victoria’s Secret may be putting more into their bras than boobies

So, I started to itch. Uncontrollably. I’ve heard of jock itch. But breast itch? Could there be so such a thing? All I know is that mine started itching wickedly. We’re talking chicken pox covered in poison oak itchy. You can’t NOT scratch. Even to the point of bruising.

No joke.

It was that bad, and I scratched myself raw. And it wasn’t the first time this had happened, but it was most definitely the worst. I was covered in welts, red everywhere and miserable. My skin was dry and papery, particularly on the nipples.

“Don’t be shocked,” I warned my husband before pulling up my blouse to show him.

He didn’t heed the warning.

“EWWWW!!!” he exclaimed and backed away a little, and told me to get to a doctor.

Needless to say, he took one look at me and there was no romance in the midst of my mammary misery. Nothing says “Not tonight, honey” like diseased breasts.

Sadly, the doctor couldn’t see me for another week, so I got some Cortisone cream from the drug store and within a couple days, it all cleared up. By the time my appointment rolled around, there was nothing to look at, although my doc tried. All she noted was some really dry skin, and chalked it up to an allergic reaction.

Hmmm… now we have a mammary misery mystery.

I tried to think what I’d done that seemed to trigger this. One, I’d used a shower puff that’s been hanging unused for a couple weeks in the show, and on it, had used Dr. Bronner’s liquid castile soap. Maybe the shower puff had invisible fungus? Yuck. It couldn’t be the soap. That’s very mild, organic and typically soothing to the skin. And besides… if it was either the puff or the soap, I’d have gotten the welts everywhere. I didn’t.

What else?

I remembered what bra I was wearing that day… Victoria’s Secret all-cotton heather gray. I washed and dried it, and with the rash all cleared up, wore it for a day. The welts began returning in less than 24 hours.

Aha. A clue.

So, I put my investigative journalism skills to use and Googled “Victoria’s Secret bra rash” and the search results lit up, going back as far as 2008. There were stories by credible news agencies, and even a CBS video of an interview with a woman about my age, who, like me, had been wearing Victoria’s Secret bras for decades without incident, and suddenly… a painful, itchy rash on her breasts. They showed photos, and it was identical to what I had.

Bingo.

The report said the trouble began when Victoria’s Secret switched from a manufacturer in India and to one in China. Suddenly women started reporting the rashes. The likely culprit? Formaldehyde. FORMALDEHYDE. You know — the stuff they use to embalm bodies, to preserve them longer! Victoria – I have a secret for you: I don’t want you to preserve my breasts, just hold them up comfortably and attractively. I may be 53, but my breasts aren’t dead yet! They only look that way!

I relayed all my research findings to my husband, and he had one reaction: Burn that bra!

Haha… I could claim to be reinvigorating classic 1970s Feminism and get double mileage out of that burn! However, The bra in question being a 40DD and all, I didn’t want to risk starting a wildfire in our recent wicked California winds, so I chucked it in the trash. It’s been a week since my second breast test and I’m happy to report that the girls are once again looking fine and healthy. Now all I have to do is lift my blouse back up so my husband knows I’m safe again.

I guess the thing that bugs me most about this whole breast rash ordeal is that the stories I found online date back to 2008. I purchased this bra less than a year ago. And, as anyone who’s ever purchased anything from Victoria’s Secret can attest, those bras ain’t cheap. They cost at least twice what they’re worth, for no good reason really, other than customers buy into the marketing spin that they’ll make you as sexy as those sultry waifs who model their products. They won’t, of course, but I must say their products fit like nothing else, frame the work nicely, and are comfortable. It keeps you coming back.

So, therein you have the reason for customer loyalty. How shocking to discover that customers are being repaid for that loyalty by products infused with toxins that cause allergic reactions. I could understand that Victoria’s Secret didn’t realize what was going on in their Chinese manufacturing in 2008. But in the four years since — they apparently haven’t done anything to address it either. They know we’ll keep buying their products and figuring that we’re just allergic to the laundry soap we use. That really pisses me off. Enough to start looking for a different company to support my girls.

So, Victoria, your secret’s out: It seems you’re putting a lot more into your bras than boobies.

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